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Author: Haakon ".prototype." Geburtstag
Title: melbourne-oz-11-11-2001
Date Published: 2001-11-11
the night before:
so i rock up to adam amy’s place at about 6ish, and i find
iliyana, ronnie, leigh, adz and sean sittin round playtesting.
in particular, seeing as this is the first sanctioned
tourney since R3 came out, we were all concerned about the
effect of lightsaber combat. the following conclusions were reached:
1) dark saber combat is sexcellent
2) light saber combat gets owned
we also discuss meta vs these things, and sean reckons that
any sort of m&t will own them. i dont believe sean, cause he’s so RADIANT
(inside joke), and i play iliyana with my brand spanking new LS saber combat deck.
even though i do all the right stuff, i get raped by her,
even though she’s a chick and not actually physically
capable of rape. so i said ’FCUK’ really loudly and took
it apart to make a throneroom mains deck, with ronnie’s
most expert help. WEST SIDE.
after playing some games with my tech BHBM deck, and some
sexcellent trades with leigh (cheers mate), i go home to
finish off throneroom...and sleep at 3am.
the day:
ok. so i wake up at like 8:30 and im fcukin cranky cos the tourney is at 9...but its all good, i arrive just in time to swap for some good stuff, and pick up a couple of tips from LUCA (the man) on how to best employ throneroom. he assures me of its most magnificent strength, so i feel a little better about playing a deck i know jack all about. grgh. so here’s what i go in with:
DS: BHBM death machine with YOUR DADDY
LS: throneroom mains
so kev calls the first pairings:
game1: LS vs Steve’s Watto
christ. i hate watto. luca drops by and informs me im in for a
struggle. i pull some twixes and bide my time for a bit...
he drops xizor the pornstar and watto to flip, makes me lose
force, and moves xizor over so he flips back (WTF?!) along
with a lord maul at the 3/2 place. i go..
’uhhh..okay’
and promptly drop some beasty mains to the 3/2 location to
start raping maul like the b!tch he is. i cause some massive
dam with gift of the mentor. he does the watto thing during
his turn with janus, i lose force, blah blah. he moves
janus over to join watto and co at the jankyard...at this
point, i get sick of screwing round so i load up at mos
espa with mains, and pull battle plan. no one dares come get
me, and i drain out for a win. i edge to get back 6 (phew)
FW +23
good: wow...throne room is SO good!
bad: having the biggest damn hand ever and not being able
to throw back :P
game2: DS vs Leigh Smith’s saber combat
yeaah baby. id taken this on the night before with ronnie amd
whupped him, so i was damn confident. i was a little wary
of using the emperor too early, so i drew up a fair bit.
unfortunately, the need for cards is like the need for crystal
meth: just one hit isnt good enough. i had something like 17
cards in hand. then. (this is priceless, you will pi55 yourself)
leigh: ’how much force do you activate?’
me: (looks at twixes) ’lots’
leigh: ’okay...good’ (plays OBIWANS APPARITION on the 2/2)
me: ’hmm. interesting. you realise this says BOTH PLAYERS’
leigh: ’oh no! how much force do i activate then?’
me: ’well, i give you two icons..’
leigh: ’oh 5hit’
so. i proceed to lay down vader and the emperor with impunity
and drain like a psycho. losing force from Your Daddy, and
getting punished by the stormtrooper garrison drains, leigh
didnt stand a chance with the force choke he applied to himself.
it was so funny!!
FW +25
good: every form of force loss imaginable: your daddy, empy
with janus, s&m..i mean s&d...christ.
bad: well..umm. at least you know what to do next time, man.
ugly: j.lampe. cause he is. (j/k john :)
so yeah. im in one of the top spots right now..WOO.
but guess what, i have to play the pornstar himself, ADAM.
(cue slap bass) bown chicka bown bown
game3: LS vs Adam Amy HDADTJ choker with hallway tech
i had a deep dark sense of foreboding bout this...for those
who have been living with their cokk in their mouths for the
past couple of months, adam is the continental champ. but
he’s been feeling a little scrubby lately, and i have a lot
of confidence in my light, now i have an idea of what it
can do.
so.
adam plays operational as planned. i foolishly grab it, knowing
full well that he will abuse accelerate our plans to get mad
generation. it turns out that the blockhead hallway is the
only battleground he put out all game. adam, you dont put
out very well, mate. the emperor parked his a55 there and drained.
suicide luke came down, slashed, and died. empy came back.
yet still no sign of vader...we lost like...8 turns of Visage
before adam played a Weapon Lev to find stacked:
4x DVDLOTS
2x Janus
how pissed would you be. jeeezus.
anyway, vader finally makes an entrance and hurts me. my suicide
mains do nothing against him, and we spend a long time poking each other
with drains: i poke him for 1...he pokes me for...4. crap.
i try revo a twix to get some drainage happening, but no go.
FL -15
good: iliyana the cheerleader.
bad: losing i guess? but it was a good game.
so yeah, we go have lunch. adam, ronnie, myself and iliyana go
out for a smoke and discuss the finer points of oral sex. i
also discover that a maul is to go to the winner of the tourney.
so adam resolves to rape everyone, but he doesnt get it up,
as you will see.
ronnie and i are paired up next, so we take it easy, finishing
lunch and checkin out some of the very fcukworthy ladies at
Oz on collins. there was this one blonde chick who kept staring
at us, even as she was walking past us, looking back. she must
have seen how big ronnie’s chokk is, and not be able to keep
her eyes off it. fcukin pervert.
game4: my DS vs Ronnie Wilcox’s saber combat
heh. we played this game twice the evening before, and i
kicked him real good like. but ronnie reckons he knows how
to screw BHBM with LS. we have a couple of turns just picking
up, getting cards in hand, until he plays quigon, lando and
angry chewie to the 3/2. i send a suicide vader with boba and
4-LOM to try rape them, but destinies suck and vader diess.
next turn he disarms 4lom and rapes boba for all he’s worth.
dont worry, its all good...next turn i come down with maul
and double stick to slash lando to the used, and cut quigon
to itty bitty pieces. now, ronnie cant drain at his other
site with obi and destiny 6 luke, so he puts another quigon
and combats maul. my pull 7&6. mwhahahahahah. BHBM = good.
this happens like 4-5 times with my 5x destiny 7 cards and
emperors. not only that, i duel away his quigon and obi with
tat maul gametext. but finally, maul dies, and it hurts
for a little while until i send down vader with stick
to stop it. ronnie packs more jedi than i bargained for, and
vader lasts a little while in the saber combat before finally
getting nailed by a stacked 7 & 6. after that, he cleans me out.
FL -5
good: holding out for a little while...
bad: playtesting against ronnie night before :P feck
ugly: the venue cleaning ladies. euughhhhhh
so we go for another cig, and we meet these 2 trek players
outside, and one of them’s got a soulfly tee on, so i think
’cool’. we talk for a bit about Fear Factory and System Of
A Down coming out in a month or so, and we get into a debate
about how the force is nothing compared to the borg or some crap.
after a while we realise how sad we are, and go back in.
game5: my LS vs Lee Pullen’s senate.
okay. i should have won this. i should have been on top of the
game. but i didnt. i didnt get characters quick enough, and
didnt establish a revo choke quick enough. maul makes an apperance
at his hut, and moves over to MY twix to drain. i send suicide
obi and luke to show maul the true meaning of double penetration.
mwhahaha, he dies, i save obi with resilience. he chucks out the
3/2. (what is with these people playing that damn site??) plays
lord maul and slasher vader there. okay. i activate loads
with twix and send down my own tag team of naboo quigon and
obi wan. um. we slash each other’s immune jedi, and draw destiny
so everything dies..everything diiiiieeessssss NOOOOOOOOO
i run out of mains, @#$%, i desperately use shock info and
threepio to fish some, and make some really bad play choices
like leaving a lone padme at the 3/2..ouch. beaten down on.
but i dont let him off without a fight..nooooo im too good
to compromise myself like that, and i decide to go down punching
and kicking.
i just drew up and gave him a win of 9.
FL -9
good: close game.
bad: doing stupid things.
grggh...now im 2:3...im sliding badly. my scrubliness is
revealed for all of DT to see...FARKKKK...
adam also doesnt do well...he and rod lee have one force
in their life during rod’s turn, and visage is on the table.
FL -1 = P3NIS
so that puts him out of the running.
determined to do something about my diff, i psych myself up
for the next game. focusing my chi inside, i welled up all
of my mental strength and steeled myself for a game against..
a scrub. 5hit.
game6: my DS vs scrub ANSB
okay. in my hand are Stormtrooper Garrison and Janus.
i play empy and janus first turn to north ridge. they sit there
and drain for two. they are joined by garrison.
garrison, meet emperor
emperor, meet garrison
these two guys are best friends:
1> emperor gives a force, garrison takes one
2> garrison adds destiny with a leader. empy is a leader
3> garrison stops leader targeting. empy is a leader
4> garrison gives a whopping +2 FORCEDRAIN AT A REB BASE
so this happy family sits at north ridge draining for 4 the
entire game. sheeite.
but then. i dont pack space. and he establishes EBO. ouch.
i drained for 7 each turn. to counter i send vader to a DB,
and the guy never plays luke (oh you scrubs who never play
luke to vaders location..you crak me up). hes also losing to
s&m the entire game, and i beatdown obi and a musician with
iggy, by snaring obi. sheesh. in the end i win.
FW +14
good: kickin ass, and talkin strat with the guy afterwards.
bad: not packin space. i would have owned.
thats it..
i dont actually have rankings for you, cause i was distracted
by this pair of REALLY fine chicks who were givin ronnie and
myself the eye...they were also touching each other on the
thighs and 5hit, and that got us excited. i wanted to pick em
up, but adam wanted a smoke and when we got back they were on
their way into the ladies toilets...who knows what arousing
sexual adventures took place inside there.
i know adam came 4th and rod won i think. leigh smith got
a foil maul in a raffle draw, and iliyana got an It Could Be
Worse foil...woooohhoooo
so now i have to pack its worse when i play iliyana cos
she’s gonna want to show off that brand spanking new sexy
tournament foil. and when she does.....mwhahaha its worse.
so yeah, thats pretty much it.
sorry it wasnt funnier or anything, im just kinda tired.
oh, and all you guys out there, you dont give head well enough.
your ladies are going unsatisfied. i mean, its not like it
takes a lot of effort, a little tongue work wont kill you.
cheers,
giles
PROPS:
sean mackin for brainstormin deck ideas and for being radiant
adam amy for the use of his house, and for being all round cool
ronnie wilcox for his assistance in hitting on random chicks, for lending me cards and for letting me go out and drop pills with him in the near future.
iliyana for winning games. mwhahahahaha. nah j/k, she’s cool too.
luca for giving me a class in TRM 101, and for lending me stuff. you’re clutch.
foil force lightning, for saving my hide yet again.
all my opponents. i like a challenge.
fear factory for coming to oz. its gonna go off.
leigh smith for scoring two maul with stick in a day. onya!
all the people who swapped me imperial commands
What Comes Around by Ill Nino for being a kickass song.
SLOPS:
rod for not facin me in the matchup of the century..oh, and for playing step..hehe
all the scrubs who didnt come for making my life difficult having to play good people.
the girls in leather who p!ssed off before i could make wild passionate love to them.
adam for not giving me back my adaptor. scumbag! :) |
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